Race/Related: Diwali reminds me of who I am (but it took a while to get there)

The writer Raj Tawney shares how celebrating Diwali eventually taught him to feel more rooted in his Indian culture — and in himself.

View in browser|nytimes.com November 1, 2024 The table setting photo was taken at home. Raj's mom assembled this table.  Raj Tawney A Delayed Embrace of Diwali By Raj Tawney Many Americans will soon decorate their houses with festive, colorful bulbs to celebrate holidays like Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. As a kid, I didn't realize that the twinkling forest-green lights in our home held a double meaning, as they'd been up weeks before Thanksgiving. Diwali, the festival of lights celebrated by millions of Hindus around the world, has always been part of my family's holiday season, even though it was outshined by Halloween and Thanksgiving. In our multicultural household — of Indian, Puerto Rican and Italian American heritages — the holiday season was joyous as we drank hot chocolate and masala chai most evenings, alongside homemade struffoli, which are Italian honey balls, and barfi, a milk-based Indian sweet. Food connected our family to our cultures. Religion played no part during those final months of the year. Although my mom was raised Roman Catholic, she never took us to church. My dad never took us to a Hindu temple, either. My brother, Ravi, and I — both half-Indian American — had only a small understanding of religion, which was relegated to acknowledging Christmas and Diwali, but with little education about the holidays. There was one steadfast tradition, though. My dad would invite Ravi and me to his office. Dressed in a kurta, he lit candles and incense on his desk. Photos of his parents stood upright beside the flickering glow. Songs by classic Hindi singers like Mohammed Rafi and Asha Bhosle played from a small boombox. Raj, Ravi and their father, Roop. Raj Tawney A bowl filled with milk sat next to a box of assorted Indian sweets. Inside the bowl were a handful of Indian coins soaking in the milk. We were instructed to fish a coin out of the white liquid and tap it against our teeth three or four times. We each took a turn as he held the bowl. When we were finished, he handed the bowl to one of us as he took his turn, tapping a coin to his teeth seven times. He'd then tie a thin red-and-yellow string around each of our wrists, one son at a time, as he softly recited a prayer. After the bracelets were secure, he'd ask us to close our eyes, bow our heads, clasp our hands and ask for something in the year ahead. I'd think hard about my request, trying not to ask for myself but for someone else, though sometimes I'd be selfish. When we raised our heads and opened our eyes, he'd ask us to take a sweet from the box and try to sell it to him, as he pulled $20, $50 and $100 bills from his pocket. Though we thought it was silly, Ravi and I feigned enthusiasm for the sake of my dad's Sindhi tradition that he participated in when he was kid, as we pretended to haggle. Eventually, he'd accept the sweets and place the money in our hands. His gift to us. Our entire relationship with Diwali was summed up in one evening in a 20-minute ceremony. As I entered my 20s and started dating my now-wife Michelle, her curiosity about my Indian heritage led to basic questions I couldn't answer, like "What is Diwali?" and "What does your family do for Diwali?" Michelle was special, unlike other people I knew on Long Island who cared little for Indian culture. She was determined to help me better appreciate my heritage. Ravi and his wife Michelle Raj Tawney It was complicated, though. As a mixed-race person, I'd always felt like an outsider in all three of my cultures, and not welcomed by extended family members. But whenever we were invited to an Indian wedding, Michelle was by my side. She also taught herself how to cook Indian dishes, just as my mom had in the early '80s when she married my dad. My dad noticed Michelle's efforts, as well my growing interest in our culture, and started holding a more elaborate Diwali ceremony for the entire family. It was nothing fancy, though Ravi and I did occasionally wear kurtas that my dad bought for us, and there was an expansive spread of food: samosas, chicken tikka, kebobs and pani puri. Other years, we went out to an Indian restaurant after the ceremony. There was more discussion about the meaning behind the holiday, too, about the concepts of victory of light over darkness, good over evil, knowledge over ignorance and hope over despair. I wish I were taught more about these values when I was younger. I was grateful our growing family was finally participating in a version of Diwali, but I couldn't help but wonder why it took us so long to get here. In 2021, Michelle and I moved to Florida to be closer to her parents. Diwali celebrations initially paused for the next couple of years. Eventually, we tried to create a small ceremony on our own, but it wasn't the same without my parents there to lead the festivities and the introspective discussion. I've since found a thriving Indian community, with multiple Hindu temples, but I'm still too nervous to introduce myself. That feeling of not being "whole" still lingers even though my heart assures me I would be welcomed. In the meantime, Michelle and I have begun flying back to New York each November to celebrate with my family. A photo of the family, post Diwali ceremony Raj Tawney Maybe I also just miss them, and as my dad enters his 70s, I know my connection to him and our culture is fleeting. Or maybe I'm scared I'll lose a piece of myself without him. But I know my father doesn't dictate how I experience being Indian American. He'll always be the reason I nurture this part of myself. And thanks to Michelle, I've become a prouder desi — and Diwali has become a touchstone, reminding me of who I am. Raj Tawney writes about race, identity and culture. He is the author of the memoir Colorful Palate: A Flavorful Journey Through a Mixed American Experience and the forthcoming Middle Grade novel, All Mixed Up. He is currently working on a manuscript for a YA novel. EDITORS' PICKS We publish many articles that touch on race. Here are several you shouldn't miss. Colin Clark for The New York Times A Sweet Diwali, New York Style For many New Yorkers from the Caribbean, Diwali is marked with sweet treats like prasad. By Ramin Ganeshram Erin Schaff/The New York Times Harris's Faith, Inside and Outside the Black Church Her biography embodies the multifaith, pluralistic and increasingly secular America she is bidding to lead. By Ruth Graham and Clyde McGrady Linda Xiao for The New York Times. Food stylist: Maggie Ruggiero. Prop stylist: Megan Hedgpeth. A Chef Embraces an Elusive Fruit of Her Ancestors Her take on beautifully ripe 'ulu, or breadfruit in Hawaiian, is worth the wait. By Ligaya Mishan Ulysses Ortega for The New York Times Mayor Breed's Pitch to Voters: I've Lived San Francisco's Struggles London Breed is pointing to her difficult childhood as a reason she should win another term. Her opponents say her track record tells a different story. By Heather Knight Invite your friends. Invite someone to subscribe to the Race/Related newsletter. Or email your thoughts and suggestions to racerelated@nytimes.com. Need help? Review our newsletter help page or contact us for assistance. You received this email because you signed up for Race/Related from The New York Times. To stop receiving Race/Related, unsubscribe. To opt out of other promotional emails from The Times, including those regarding The Athletic, manage your email settings. To opt out of updates and offers sent from The Athletic, submit a request. Subscribe to The TimesGet The New York Times app Connect with us on: Change Your EmailPrivacy PolicyContact UsCalifornia Notices The New York Times Company. 620 Eighth Avenue New York, NY 10018